The Madness of Madam Trelawney!
by Blue Moon Pie
Summary: New Title! More plot! Professor Trelawney is short of money and respect. Her attempts at gaining both end in failure, causing her to go beserk!
1. The Mad Scheme

Ask Madam Trelawney!

By Blue Moon

Author's Notes: Got an original character for the HP World? If so, please have him or her write a letter to Madam Sybill Trelawney. 

Harry Potter characters owned by Rowling, Warner and Scholastic. Thanks, all!

***

Sybill Trelawney sighed as she counted her money. She separated the coins into stack, knuts, sickles, more knuts, even more knuts, not enough sickles and not a galleon in sight. Another heavy sigh. Well, she hadn't accepted her position to get rich, she'd been striving for respect. She hadn't received it. Well, she received the respect of some of the students, but most of the teachers, particularly that cat, McGonagall, acted as if she were a charlatan. 

The lack of money or respect had forced her to go for plan 'C': fame. She had to get her name on everybody's lips somehow. The Daily Prophet seemed to be just the ticket. Ever since their pet columnist, Rita Skeeter, had retired, the circulation of the DP had dropped significantly. She'd suggested a divination column, they pointed out that they had one. Trelawney had countered with an advice column. The Editor of the Daily Prophet had pointed out that they'd had one of those, too. Inspiration struck and Trelawney had asked if the Daily Prophet had a column giving advice based on divination.

The Editor had bitten. "Send us something and we'll see if anybody is interested," she'd said.

So, Trelawney had spread the word around Hogwarts and Hogsmeade and started collecting owls. She glanced at her clock, then at her star chart. Now was the most propitious time to get to work. She picked up her first letter.

__

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

Why are you such a git?

Signed, Red."

Trelawney growled in the back of her throat as she grabbed her quill.

"Dear Red-haired, Freckled and Poorly Dressed, 

You are supposed to ask questions about the future. Yours will be particularly bleak if you don't improve your attitude, hand in that overdue essay of yours and choose a better set of friends!

Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

Exams in my favorite class are coming up. What should I be studying?

Signed

Flower Girl"

Trelawney grinned. She knew this lavender scented paper well.

"Dear Lavender,

The stars tell me that you should focus on the tarot for the next test.

Sincerely, Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear MT, 

Glad to see you have another job. Why don't you just give up Divination altogether? There's no future in it.

Signed Bibliophile."

Heavy sigh.

"My Dear Muggle Book Lover,

You still have the most mundane mind of anybody I have ever met, you overgrown chipmunk. Why don't you just crawl back to your muggle world and leave the wizarding world to the real wizards?"

Yours, Madam Trelawney."

****

"Dear Madam Trelawney, One of my best friends framed me for a crime I didn't commit. Will I ever be able to clear my name? Signed, Black Dog on My Shoulder"

"Dear Black Dog,

Sorry, but your future looks Grim,

Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

You've predicted my death once a week since we met. Why aren't I dead yet?

Signed, Four Eyes."

"Oh, shut up, Potter."

To Be Continued?


	2. First set of Responses

Responses:

"Hi, Professor!

Do you honestly think Potter will die this year?  
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, 3rd year Gryffindor  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird

"Dear Medrelina,

I foresee that Mr. Potter will have a fatal encounter with a cauldron sometime this year.

Madam Trelawney"

__

Dear Madam Trelawney  
  
What is the best way to win the heart of my Potions Prof? Every time I look into his eyes I go into a nice warm lust filled happy place. I need him!, please tell me how I can show him that he should go out with me! He seems very stand offish about being asked on a date. I need help, so tell me what to do or I'll have to ask the Dark Lord, he has a advice collum as well.   
Lusting after Snape aka Katherine

"Dear Katherine,

The best way to catch Severus Snape's positive attention is to do something positively spectacular in his class. Might I suggest testing the thickness of your cauldron's bottom against the side of Mr. Potter's skull? I'm sure that will impress Severus to no end. At the very least, it will get you some time alone with him in detention.

Sincerely, Madam Trelawney."

"Hi, Professor!  
Sooooooo.... Do you have a boyfriend?

Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, 3rd year Gryffindor  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird"

"Dear Medrelina,

That's a trifle personal, but I sense you have an artistic soul. Do you play a musical instrument by any chance? Perhaps the violin or the viola? Very well, I am currently between 'significant others' at this time. I am looking for a replacement for Gilderoy, though.

Madam Trelawney"

****

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

I did not write the letter signed _Bibliophile_. I'd think that a true seer could tell that. Or at least, I'd think you'd be able to tell the difference between my handwriting and Prof. McGonagall's. If being hopelessly mundane means not buying into the garbage that you spout, then sign me,

MUNDANE AND PROUD OF IT!"

"Dear Katherine,

Getting back to the impressing Severus Snape. You might want to try that cauldron experiment on Miss Granger while you're at it. You might even get some extra credit out of it.

Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

I'm still not dead.

Signed, Green-Eyed Gryffindor"

"Dear Katherine,

Cauldron bottom. Potter's head. Soon.

Madam Trelawney."

"Hi, Professor!  
Do you like Snape in a more than friendly way?

Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, 3rd year Gryffindor  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird"

"Dear Medrelina,

I haven't had much success with romancing my colleagues. First there was Quirrel, then there was Lockhart. I think I'll have to look farther afield for love. Besides, Katherine seems to be a formidable rival for Severus' attentions.

Sincerely, Madam Trelawney"

*** Author's Notes ***

Thanks for writing in, Medrelina and Katherine! Glad you liked the idea!


	3. Second Set of Responses

****

"OMG! Professor, I play the viola! I can't believe you knew this! Anyways...Professor, do *you* play an instrument?  
  
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, 3rd year Gryffindor  
  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird"

"Dear Medrelina,

My inner eye clearly shows you to be a woman of highly sensitive sensibilities. One can easily discern your musical talent from the delicate aura of your handwriting. I also sense that you are a lover of animals. A talented witch such as yourself must surely own a cat.

As for myself, I do not play an instrument. I find the concentration necessary clouds my ethereal awareness."

I see a magical musical instrument in your near future. Perhaps as a replacement for the viola that you will forced to break over Mr. Potter's head.

Sincerely,

Madam Trelawney

__

Dear Madam Trelawney  
  
Thankies for the advice, it worked great!   
I wacked Potter and Ganger both up side the head, but I only winged them. Still Snape did laugh pretty damn hard, and I get dentention with him for six months every night! I'm still in school cause I managed to make it look like Longbottoms fault when his potion blew up. My question is which dress should have on for my first night of dentention aka suduction of Snape, a short little black velvet or a red velet with a very low cut?   
Soon to be in Snapes bed aka  
Katherine

"Dearest Katherine,

Excellent! I mean, how unfortunate that Mr. Longbottoms' potion blew up and sent Potter and Granger to the hospital rather than the morgue. Still, this was a promising beginning, even if I was forced to award Mr. Weasley extra credit for correctly predicting dire happenings during a potions class.

I do urge circumspection with regards to the Seduction of Severus. If you come on too strongly he is likely to panic and assign you detention with Mr. Filch. (Trust me, you don't want to go there.) You will have to make your move gradually. Let Severus get used to your presence at night.

On your first night, wear old trousers and a knit turtleneck. Every day, wear better pants and shrink the turtleneck about half an inch. In about two weeks, Severus will really be noticing you. Color isn't important, but for heaven's sake, don't wear Gryffindor red!

Lastly, be sure to bring treats to every session. If, after two weeks, the tight turtleneck hasn't turned his head, slip a love potion into your pumpkin pasty. Severus won't be able to resist.

I foresee many happy hours for you in detention. Especially if you trip Mr. Potter on the stairs leading to the dungeon.

Yours,

Madam Trelawney"

****

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

I'm in love with my brother's best friend, but he only knows that I'm alive because he saved my life back in my first year. How do I get him to notice me as a woman?

Signed, Red Hair, Pink Cheeks."

Trelawney grinned. Oh, this should be good.

"Dear Pinky,

I'm afraid that Potter's been hit in the head with too many bludgers (not to mention cauldrons) to really appreciate you. I suggest you learn a good love potion. Consult with Katherine, as she has a similar problem.

Signed,

Madam Trelawney."

"Dear Katherine,

Work with Ginny Weasley. Learn how to turn a love potion into a vertigo potion. Make sure the right potion gets to the right person. (Though, really, if Severus gets the vertigo potion he just may wind up swooning in your arms. Come to think of it, the vertigo potion is probably what you want. He may have taken antidotes for love potions. There really must be a reason he hasn't been hit with one yet.)

Sincerely,

Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear Madam Trelawney, Can you tell me the date of the next full moon? I need to make plans. Signed, Former DADA Professor."

"Dear Professor,

My, aren't you the romantic? Come up and see me sometime."

Really most sincerely,

Sibyll Trelawney"

**__**

"Dear Fraud-face,

Nice try, but I'm still alive,

Seeker-boy."

"Dear Medrelina,

Viola, Potter's head. Soon.

Sincerely, 

Madam Trelawney"

"Dear Katharine,

Vertigo Potion. Potter's pumpkin juice. Soon.

Sincerely,

Madam Trelawney."

"Dear Christmas Moon,

I am so pleased that you are enjoying my column. Please feel free to send in a question. I can sense one burning in your mind… wait, it's coming clearer… Sorry, even I, the great Sibyll Trelawney, cannot predict when Book 5 will be out. 

Do watch out for falling Gryffindor Seekers.

Yours,

Madam Trelawney."

****

"Dear Madam Trelawney,

Erm, thanks for the tip about the tarot, but I was wondering what I needed to study for my favorite class, Muggles Studies. My boyfriend is half muggle and I want to do well in this class to impress him.

Love, Flower Girl."

"Et tu, Lavender?" Trelawney sighed.

"Dear Flower Girl,

I'm afraid Muggle Studies are too mundane to cause enough of a stir in the great ether for me to see what portends.

Signed,

Madam Trelawney

PS -- I foresee a sudden drop in your grade in Divination Class in the near future. Potions isn't looking promising, either."

"Dear Katherine,

I do hope you haven't retired your cauldron.

Love,

Madam Trelawney."


	4. Third Set of Responses

Standard Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters owned by Rowling, Warner and Scholastic. 

Good work, finish Book 5 Soon, we're all waiting!!!

*** ***

  
"_Dear Madam Trelawney  
  
I'm hooking up with Ginny later this week so we can work on that love potion for her. Also again thankies for the advice on how to dress. I finished the Vertigo potion and will be spiking Potters pumpkin juice at lunch today. Also I did take your advice about tripping him, that worked very well. I managed to knock out Fred and George as an added bonus. I'm sorry to say I missed Ganger but I messed up her potion, and it caused her to grow hot pink fur. Snape was having a hard time keeping that smile off his face. My cauldron is ready and willing to hit some heads again. What is your favorite tarot deck? Thankies again!  
Sincerely Katherine aka   
working her way into Snape's bed, with pride."_

"Dear Katherine,   


I do love seen young people making the most of their abilities. Anybody who can knock those Weasley prats onto their prats can count on a letter of recommendation from me. I predict that a picture of Granger with hot pink fur makes the front page of Witch Weekly. 

My favorite tarot deck is my cat deck. Cats are mysterious, sensitive souls who can see beyond the mists of time. And the art on this deck is particularly lovely. I never let the general students see this deck, much less touch it. I can arrange for you to get a sister to the deck, for a nominal fee, of course.

Have fun!

Madam Trelawney"

__

"Hi, Professor! I will soon get my revenge on Harry *grins evilly* by hitting him over the head with my viola. He insulted my cat, and then he insulted you, so he deserves it! By the way, Professor, I am amazed that you knew I had a cat. (In the common room: Harry: What are you-*BANG* Medrelina: Well, now my viola's broken, but I can threaten him for enough money to buy a new one. Harry: *regaining consciousness* Huh? Medrelina: Give me 450 galleons or I'll sic my cat on you! Harry: *gives Medrelina 450 galleons*) Well, now I'm off to buy a new viola, or, to be more precise, a better viola, since the old one only cost 40 galleons. By the way, what was Hogwarts like when you went to school?  
  
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, the Very Happy 3rd year Gryffindor  
  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird"

"Dear Medrelina,

Potter insulted your cat! Well, I can foresee a year of furballs and fleas for that little rotter! How dare he? When you go shopping for your new Viola, be sure to drop in at that little music shop at the junction of Music Alley and Knockturn Alley, I'm sure it will have something worth your while. The Spirit of Music specializes in magical and haunted musical instruments.

Hogwarts was very much the same as it is now. Except that the obnoxious Potter was James instead of Harry. (I was a few years younger than Potter's father.) I tried to warn him about trusting that devious Black fellow, but he wouldn't listen to me, would he?

This Potter will go the same way, soon. It's a good thing you got your money from him while you had the chance.

Musically yours,

Madam Trelawney."

__

"Dear Professor Trelawney,  
Kanika is in love with a certain someone, and would like to put "Katherine" out of the picture if she can. She's attracted to dark, secretive guys. As for Artemis, she's getting painfully annoyed with potter. And she wishes Katherine a high five for the cauldron bash. Artemis wishes to know how she can slowly and painfully maim harry potter, and come to think of it, his friend ron too

__

Kanika Aubrey and Artemis Black (not related to Sirius in any way)" 

Trelawney frowned. Oh, here was something she hadn't foreseen… wait, of course she'd foreseen it. She was the great Mary Sue Trelawney… er… Sibyll Trelawney! There had to be a simple way out of this… wait, she had it. She picked up her quill and started writing…

"Dear Kanika,

My dear child, I have good news for you. You don't have to put Katherine "out of the picture". You merely need to learn to share. Professor Snape has been suppressing his, shall we say, animal instincts for quite some time. I assure you there's enough for both of you. Learn to work with Katherine. You will find her ready wit and even readier cauldron to be of great use to you. I also suggest that you become friendly with that Creevy boy, the one with the camera. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Sincerely, 

Madam Trelawney"

Trelawney grinned with satisfaction, then moved on to the second part of the letter.

"Dear Artemis,

The stars are saying that you and Kanika definitely need to make friends with Katherine. Anyone with such admirable ambitions should be able to work well with her. She is quite the *ahem* swinger.

As for slowly and painfully maiming Potter and Weasley, there are always the slow acting, non lethal potions. Consult Prof. Snape. Tell him you want to do an extra credit report on the effects of the 'Trotsky's Revenge Potion #13' on… lions. I'm sure he'll know what you mean. You should be able to get several Gryffindors this way, and don't forget Granger. She could use a good bout of diarrhea.

I'm glad to hear that you're not related to that _beastly _Sirius Black. He let me down severely a few years ago. (I lost several galleons betting on him in the annual 'How and When Will Potter Die' pool.)

Signed, 

Madam Trelawney."

"Dear Katherine, 

I am seeing a _ménage à trios _in your near future. Do not fight it, the heavens favor it. Besides, if you add a camera to the equation, you'll have enough blackmail material on Severus to keep him in line for quite some time.

Sincerely, 

Madam Trelawney"

**__**

"Dear Madam Trelawney:  
  
FRAUD!!! FRAUD!!!! FRAUDY FRAUDY FRAUD!!!!!!! You are a FRAUD and a LLAMA and a ORANGUTAN and a FRAUD!!!!! Thank you very much for reading my letter.  
  
Signed, Rubi G.  
  
P.S.: FRAUD!!!! FRAUD!!!!! LLAMA!!! ORANGUTAN!!!! FRRAAAUUUDD!!!!"

"Dear Rubi G, 

I am seeing a _ménage à trios _in your near future with you, a llama and an orangutan. In the future, do not provoke the wrath of the heavens.

Signed, 

Madam Trelawney"

__

"YO Professor (that stinks at telling the future)  
  
I know you hate potter but " SEEKER BOY" has a point why in the *BEEP* isn't he dead yet? or are you just a batty old fraud like ron sayz? oh yeah tell katherine that she's running out of luck if she keeps asking because obviously not one stinkin word you have said has helped her any.  
  
the girl who sayz your a loony bin origina,  
  
Ron and Harry's friend,  
  
the flaming red headed Adenl"

"Dear Flaming red headed Aden,

Katherine may be running out of luck, but she seems to have an endless supply of cauldrons. I suggest you stay out of her way. As for Seeker Boy, he'll get his, soon. As for you, I predict that you will be running out of friends soon. Hope you enjoy funerals.

Signed, 

Madam Trelawney."

__

"forget the" beeps" that was rude of me so n e wayz (No prob -- BM)  
_  
i'm a skitzofernic _(not really just go along with me here) ('K) _and we're okay now but  
  
*-shut up bob i'm typing!* help me get rid of bob  
  
*-no bob not the nice glass lamp! CHRASH!!!! stupid bob! now you have  
to clean up this mess*  
  
*- and the toilet bowl cleaner will not help!*"_

Dear Bob,

Toilet bowl cleaner works on everything.

Go, boy, go! 

Madam Trelawney"

"Private to Lunarian: Sorry, dear, the stars are not aligned correctly for Rowling to finish Book 5 this year. She's on her honeymoon, for crying out loud.

Signed,

Madam Trelawney."

"Dear Can't See the End of Her Nose, Much Less the Future,

Guess what, I'm not dead yet.

Love and Kisses,

Not-dead-yet-in-Gryffindor"

Grrr…

  
_"Dear Madam Trelawny,  
i've been having weird dreams about becoming a midget and bouncing around hogwarts. what does it mean?  
Volde-ack! er, um TMR"_

"Dear TMR,

This dream is _all too easy _to interpret. You feel shame and guilt over letting a snot-nosed brat defeat you no less than FOUR TIMES! (Age 1, Age 11, Age 12 and Age 14!) Will you just SNUFF HIM ALREADY! You're making me look bad, Dad.

Your loving daughter,

Sibyll"

*** ^^^ ***

Author's Notes: 

Medrelina -- Whoa! I'm on your favorite author list! Thank you! That is sooo flattering! I like your stuff, too!

Katherine aka Star: I rule? Thank you **_so much_**! I'm glad you're enjoying this bout of madness. I actually started writing this just so I'd have an excuse to have an account here at FanFiction.net.

Kanika Aubrey and Artemis Black -- Thanks for playing!

Rubi Granger -- Thanks for the Trelawney Flame! Loved it!

Kaylin: Thankies! Love your letter from _Volde-ack! er, um TMR_, I've been waiting for a chance to use that answer for a while!

Aden the 6th year Gryffindor -- Thanks for the input! Loved the comments from 'both' of you! Go, Bob, Go!

Lunarian: Thanks for the comment! Glad you think this is funny. (I'll be back to give you a fuller comment on your excellent horror story soon.) No, it's not likely Harry would sign himself as 'Four Eyes.' But then, this whole 'Ask Trelawney' business is extremely unlikely.

General: As for J.K. Rowling, I heard she got married recently. I'm betting that's part of the reason Book 5 is delayed. Last I heard, it won't be out until _2003_!!!


End file.
